Do you remember what it was like being a child?
The world seemed so vast and filled with endless choices. But for today's children and teenagers, the journey isn't always smooth sailing. In a world marked by school pressures and social media comparisons, they face a unique set of challenges. As parents and caregivers, it's natural to want to protect them from life's anxieties. Yet, in our quest to shield them, are we holding back their growth?
During Children's Mental Health Week, we’ll explore a powerful approach that helps children and young people navigate their worries. An approach which also equips them with the resilience to face life's worries head-on. It's a method that empowers children and it all starts with the idea of why 'fixing' may not be the solution.
Why fixing isn't the solution
It can be hard as a parent or carer to see a child struggling. The temptation can be to dive in and fix the problem, but it’s important that we try not to do that.
When we fix things for our children we’re not providing them with the skills to find solutions themselves. Not only that, but often they don’t really want us to fix it. Children and young people, just like adults, want to feel seen and heard. They want us to hold space for them when they’re feeling worried. They don't need us to take the emotion on, dismiss it or become overwhelmed ourselves.
It can be so hard to see our children in pain and not to step in. When we do get overly involved in problem-solving for them, we’re really trying to make ourselves feel more comfortable.
Mental health in children and young people
Mental health issues in children and young people, especially issues like anxiety and depression, are on the rise. The pressures of school, friendships and social media are just some of the things affecting our children. One in six have a diagnosed mental health issue, whilst many more are struggling with things like bullying or bereavement.
It can also be hard to tell when children are feeling anxious or worried. This is particularly if they don’t recognise an emotion yet themselves or don’t like to open up to us.
WHAT SIGNS OF ANXIETY SHOULD WE look FOR?
Especially when younger children feel anxious, they might not understand what they are feeling. We might see them become irritable or tearful. They may have difficulty sleeping, find themselves waking up more in the night or have bad dreams. Behaviours from when they were younger can reappear, like wetting the bed or getting upset when they separate from you.
Older children may lose their confidence or struggle with everyday tasks. They may find it hard to concentrate, change their eating habits, or start behaving differently at home. They might avoid everyday activities or spend more time watching tv and playing computer games.
They might open up to you about what's worrying them or share some of their physical symptoms of anxiety with you. Look out for stomach aches or other new aches and pains, headaches and problems sleeping.
HOW CAN WE SUPPORT CHILDREN WHEN THEY FEEL ANXIOUS, AFRAID OR WORRIED?
Feeling anxious can be frightening, especially when it comes with symptoms like breathlessness, feeling sick or wobbly legs.
If your child is having an anxious moment, Young Minds have shared some brilliant strategies to help them calm themselves:
Breathe slowly and deeply together
Sit with them and offer calm physical reassurance
Together, connect with what they can see, touch, hear, smell and taste
Reassure them that the anxious feelings will pass and that they will be okay
Ask them to think of a safe and relaxing place or person in their mind
Encourage them to do something that helps them to feel calmer.
Everyone is different, so it’s worth trying to remember what techniques are most effective for you and your child.
HOW CAN WE HELP CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE MANAGE THEIR WORRIES?
When we’re anxious, strategies that involve our problem-solving brain (rather than our emotional brain) won’t work so well. We’re 'activated' and so our emotional brain is in control of the steering wheel. It’s the same for children, so don’t try to help them find solutions when they’re in the middle of their stress response. Help them to calm down first, and then when they’re ready, here are a few strategies that might help.
Talk to your child when they’re calm about anxiety and what it feels like. Give them examples of what it can feel like for you. Help them to learn to recognise the signs of anxiety in themselves (they might be different to yours). Reassure them with these chats that whilst anxiety might feel horrible, they’re safe, it’s normal and the feelings will pass.
Help your child to find solutions for their anxiety (but don’t do this for them). Ask them questions about the situation that is making them feel anxious. See if you can help them come up with their own ideas about what they could do to reduce their anxiety. Help them make a plan for how they’re going to cope with the situation.
Take time with your child to help them recognise what helps them to feel less anxious. That way they will have their own toolkit they can call upon when they recognise that they’re feeling anxious. Which activities help them to feel calm?
Is your child is going through something distressing like a separation or bereavement? Look for age-appropriate books or films that might help them understand their feelings. Show them that it is normal to feel them. There are many support bodies out there supporting children going through traumatic events.
Practice simple relaxation and breathing techniques with your child. Apps like Calm and Headspace have whole areas devoted to short, simple exercises that are easy for children. These can be helpful for children struggling to get to sleep because of their worries.
Encourage your child to write down their worries and get them out of their head. Ask them to write them down and post them in a box. You can also buy dolls and worry ‘monsters’ that will eat your worries once you’ve written them down.
USING THE WORRY TREE TECHNIQUE WITH CHILDREN
The worry tree technique is appropriate for children with a little help from an adult, depending on their age. An important part of the worry tree technique is taking the worry out of your head and writing it down. Doing this with children is very effective. Together, you can write their worries down on an app, a piece of paper, or by drawing a picture.
Once a child has shared what it is that they are worrying about, reassure them. Don’t try to resolve it for them or start coming up with ideas. It’s more effective to support children with coming up with their own ideas, so ask them a few questions.
You might ask them:
What does it feel like when you’re anxious? Help them start to recognise the signs.
What’s the worst thing you can imagine happening? It’s often not as bad as we think it might be.
Can you do anything about it? Usually there is something they can do. You might have to ask them some more questions to help them find the solution, depending on the scenario.
If their worry is something they can’t do anything about, then we can support them in distracting themselves instead. Just writing the worry down is sometimes all they need for them to get distracted and go on with their day. At other times you might need to support them more, by finding something that they enjoy doing. Movement can help here as it takes us out of our heads and into our bodies.
When there is something they can do about their worry, the next thing is to make a plan for what they’re going to do. Getting them to write this down, draw it, or log it on an app like WorryTree helps to turn this plan into something real. Follow up with them later to see if they took the action they had planned and find out how it went.
Encourage them to think about what they were worrying about, and whether it actually came to pass. Most of the time our worries don’t turn out as bad as we thought they would be.
There are some beautiful drawings of the worry tree technique online, and we’ll link a few in the notes below. These can be a great way to introduce children to the idea.
The most important things to remember
It can be hard to see the children and young people we care about worrying. There are plenty of techniques available to support them to find their own ways to problem-solve and distract themselves.
When a child shares a worry with you, make sure to validate their feelings. Don't tell them it’s okay or that they shouldn’t be feeling that way. We all need to feel that our emotions are normal and appropriate, even when they feel scary.
It’s normal to worry sometimes. If you’re concerned about how much someone you care about is worrying, there are some amazing organisations who can help. Try Young Minds in the UK who provide mental health support to children and young people and their parents. In the US you can try the Child Mind Institute.
MORE RESOURCES FOR SUPPORTING CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE WITH THEIR MENTAL HEALTH
The NHS have some great content on recognising anxiety in children and young people and supporting them: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/anxiety-in-children/
Young Minds: https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/a-z-guide/anxiety/#Howtohelpyourchildinananxiousmoment
Worry tree technique: https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/mental-health-wellbeing/anxious-feelings/the-worry-tree-activity/
The Child Mind Institute: https://childmind.org/